Time with my boys :o)

Something's in the air this spring.. My baby is on delayed Navy entry and I appreciate this extra time with him more than words can say. He should be gone and here we get all this time to share and just hang out and he is over here all the time. We were up until 3am the other night just talking and laughing and watching Avatar and New Moon.. It makes me feel so essential and it's what I needed very much. I've been here in my new house almost as long as the hiccup was and life, everything we loved has been restored. Life is good and then there's my Jordy who like Austin is warm and sweet and a kind genuine soul. He is a good boy, he gets a little sideways here and there but that will work itself out in time. And the connection as mom and son will be even stronger as he grows up into his own person and out from under influences. I am so pleased with my kids, and proud of them. They need me but they don't need me and that is a good thing, I know that even when I am not present they are strong and intelligent and able to contribute good things on their own account and be a treasure to others. That is a comfort to a mommie and I can see that I did my job. I have the love and respect and friendship of my children and that is the most precious thing to me.

Melting snow on the 1st Spring weekend

I had the nicest weekend just spending time with my kids, well Austin at least. I made a fabulous dinner Friday night Olive Garden's chicken scampi which is to die for and then blueberry pancakes and sausage for us this morning. We stayed up late last night to watch New Moon and I heard him on his phone telling his friends he watched it with my mom like it was so exciting lol jeez! Then this morning was Avatar and what I love is how he explains the meaning of everything so I understand the movie and not just what I am watching but the meaning behind it.. He is a deep thinker.. like his mama and we have a good ole time! I love that kid he brings a complete sense of peace and calm and sunshine every minute he is around. What a blessing he is to me and then Jordy mister party central he stopped by at midnight last night and picked up a pizza I saved for them for snack and took it to his friends house to spend the night. Louie is asleep in his little cabin and Im feeling great. I am finishing a book called the dance of anger and that has really been a God send to me. In the middle of all the drama you forget that you have a right to be happy, to be respected, to be loved, to be exactly who you are with no apologies or explanations and when people act out towards you it is about them it is not about you. That is so hard to process, that it's ok to be you even faults and all and especially for me, being a poor communicator verbally, being co dependent in some relationships like I am because so much is at stake in the ones where I am not sure where I stand... I'm going to finish this and then on to the next one which is about being a better communicator and being clear in the face of opposition-- I am going to finish those before making any big decisions. I need to finish them. This week is going to be 60 every day and time to get out and walk and enjoy the blossoms and buds. Im going to enjoy my springtime and this beautiful season. Im going to get an ice cream and then on to business for tomorrow. Been a sweet weekend and probably the last. I did great so far this month but can do better fo sho!

The evening Train

Well it's 12:30 am and I hear the train going by about 6 blocks away down at my gramas old house and this empty feeling swells in my chest because I understand that I will never see her again in my lifetime. I'll never hear her voice or feel her hugs or have that safe wonderful feeling of being with my grandmother. Its a part of life but that reality hits hard and you just tuck those feelings away and go on because what else can you do? I miss her. And time does heal wounds and it also makes you realize how much you have to be grateful for. I used to be a part of a huge clan of wild hellions who would defend each other to the very end, where family bonds were stronger than those of best friends, and cousins were equal to sisters and brothers. We had it so good and thank you Grandma for giving me that security and a place to grow up and be safe and loved and appreciated. That's the stability that I built my life on and kept me strong when all hell broke loose. And man did it ever, just like everyone elses life unravels from time to time...

I think about my dad, not even a mile up the street, who I haven't seen since football season last fall. I can't explain this feeling of bereft, unrelenting disbelief, and salt poured on my broken heart every moment that goes by. No one feels this but me and I don't understand it. How do you do that? If I knew I hurt my children I would move heaven and earth to make it right because my kids are everything to me, they are the reason for my life. I stop in my tracks and think why dont you call over there? Just call him and talk to him and then it dawns on me .. I already have done that.. more times than I can count on my two hands and to no avail. I did everything I could think of to build a bridge to make a shiny new beginning, there is nothing I did not do. I even took the blame for our falling out just for the sake of family and I did not do a fucking thing wrong. Hate is not a part of my emotions, its disgust. Three Christmases have gone by now, celebrated with my kids and left me out. Shunned in front of my kids, because I crossed the almighty stepmonster and stood up for my child and put her in her place. So as my dad put it "they built a new relationship with their grandsons" that doesn't include me. Nothing is going to erase these last three years and now my kids are nearly grown up and off to do their own thing. This is it, there is no reconciliation now after the fact and finally as I start to go in a new direction and begin to protect myself they find fault in me for that too. Its 1am and I can't sleep, this heavy heart nearly breaking me in two and there is nothing to do now, no action to take, no magic potion or phonecall to set everything right. We are just different kinds of people and I have been entirely compromised to keep peace in my dads house. It's sickening and how do I let go of something so devistatingly painful as my dad who I worship while he's still here in the world and just ignoring me. That delimma has nearly broken me in two and Im just honestly sick to death of it. God did not give me my life and my talents and my kids to waste away on people who couldnt care less whether I breathe or not...

I need very much to turn over a new leaf and find some sunshine in this life.